Sweet Misery
by miss-motormouth
Summary: All good things take time and Buffy and Angel's relationship being rebuilt is no exception. Sequel to 'If Only She Knew'
1. Part 1: Buffy

Title: Sweet Misery Part 1/?  
  
Author: Emily  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Category: B/A of course. Mention of X/A, W/T and various other couples, the same as in 'IOSK'.  
  
Spoilers: Some of season six I guess. Tara is just peachy in my story though as are Xander and Anya. This is a sequel to 'If Only She Knew' so reading that first would probably help. If Only She Knew is set five years after season six and three of BtVS and AtS. So Buffy's around 26.  
  
Summary: All things take time, Buffy and Angel's relationship being no exception.  
  
Distribution: Fanfiction.net, b/a lists, Wild Horses, Eternal Love if CC wants it.  
  
Dedication: Thanks to *everyone* who feedbacked me on 'If Only She Knew', Sara, CC, Alea, Michelle...  
  
Especially you guys at ff.net 'cause I posted the story up, got instant feedback and was inspired to finally write the sequel.  
  
Feedback: Please yes. :) I adore feedback, who doesn't? Drop me a line or write a review if you're reading this at ff.net  
  
~Sweet Misery~  
  
" What's it been, over a decade?  
  
It still smarts like it was four minutes ago  
  
We only influenced each other totally  
  
We only bruised each other even more so"  
  
- Flinch, Alanis Morissette  
  
Part 1: Buffy  
  
I frown a little, for a moment confused and unsure of where I am and what I'm doing. My eyes flick over to Angel, sleeping soundly beside me and I remember.  
  
Cordy slept with Spike. Isn't that what we always do when we're traumatised? Me... Anya...Cordelia... if I didn't dislike Cordy so much I'd start some kind of club. Angel came to me 'cause I suppose there was nowhere else to go and because he affects me so damn much I let him in and did the comfort supporto gal thing. But not literally with the comfort, we didn't sleep together or anything. Just slept and actually it was kinda nice.  
  
I sigh. Last night things seemed okay. I wasn't worrying about tomorrow or the future, just seizing the moment and hell that always goes badly. But now I'm strangely wigged. What do people normally do in these situations? I don't recall ever being in one before. My ex, that's what he is really – simple and small as it sounds, comes over all distressed and I do the comfort thing but what happens next? I really don't know.  
  
I glance at him and am relieved to see he's still asleep. I don't want to do the talking thing right now, or at all actually but I guess it's unavoidable. So I head towards the shower, running my hands through my hair and sighing a little as the hot water cascades over my skin. This is good.  
  
By the time I'm done Angel has woken up. I see him sitting at my kitchen table and feel a sudden urge to go back to the calm and much less confusing bathroom. But I don't.  
  
" Hey" I say and force a smile.  
  
" Hey" Angel says.  
  
" You want some breakfast?" I ask. He shakes his head. I start making some coffee anyway. One of the best things about humanity is eating after all. Coffee and strawberries and chicken and cookie dough fudge mint chip ice cream.  
  
" I'm sorry for coming here." Angel blurts out from behind me.  
  
" It wasn't fair." He continues and I feel his eyes on my back. " I just needed someone."  
  
I laugh suddenly. "That's kinda ironic. Do you have any idea how much I've needed someone?" Oh God, I shouldn't be saying this but I've been wanting too for so long and I can't stop.  
  
" Well I did. A hundred times over the past few years. Like when I came back from the dead? I was in Heaven, no bad hell dimensions oh no, just a good place. I didn't tell you of course. I met you and you were like a different person. You weren't there." I shrug a little. " Spike was"  
  
Angel stands up from the table and pulls me around to face him. " Spike?"  
  
" Yeah. *Spike*. Oh I was messed up but the sex was good."  
  
" Why are you telling me this?" Angel asks and I feel a stupid kind of pride that I can still hurt him.  
  
" Because I needed you and you weren't there. You weren't. And you're right, this wasn't fair. Angel, you can't just come here and spill about your problems with Cordelia. It's not fair." I bite my lip.  
  
Not going to cry. God knows I've done enough of that.  
  
" You're right." He says softly.  
  
I frown at him, not having expected automatic agreement and he continues.  
  
" You were my whole life for three years and after that. When I came to LA I wanted to forget. I tried to. I never did though but staying away from you, only seeing you a few times, it made things easier for me. And having relationships with other people, that made it easier too. I tried to forget, pretend like it...us wasn't a big deal when it was my everything."  
  
" Did it work?" I ask equally softly, feeling suddenly guilty for my outburst and feeling an overtaking need to know his answer.  
  
" A little"  
  
I look up at him, meeting his eyes.  
  
The kettle whistles and finishes boiling. I turn and start making the coffee. Angel takes the mugs and carries them to the table where he puts them down. I sit down beside him and sip from my cup.  
  
" Tell me." Angel says out of the blue and I look up.  
  
" About what?"  
  
" All of it. Everything. I wasn't there and maybe I should have been."  
  
" It's not exactly pretty. You probably don't want to hear some of it" I hesitate. That I went to Spike's crypt every night and we did it on the cold stone floor and I screamed and it felt good. That I would have easily died again because it was better being dead.  
  
That I was lost and nobody found me.  
  
" Tell me"  
  
" Okay" I say softly, swirl my spoon round in the coffee and I tell him. 


	2. Part 2: Angel

Title: Sweet Misery Part 2/?  
  
Author: Emily  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Category: B/A of course. Mention of X/A, W/T and various other couples, the same as in 'IOSK'.  
  
Spoilers: Some of season six I guess. No bad character death, no failed relationships between certain witches and certain ex demons and carpenters. This is a sequel to 'If Only She Knew' so reading that first would probably help. If Only She Knew is set five years after season six and three of BtVS and AtS. So Buffy's around 26.  
  
Summary: All things take time, Buffy and Angel's relationship being no exception.  
  
Distribution: Fanfiction.net, b/a lists, Wild Horses, Eternal Love if CC wants it.  
  
Dedication: All the lovely folks at fanfiction.net who reviewed this story and 'IOSK'. It's so appreciated, don't stop feedbacking! :)  
  
Feedback: Please yes. :) I adore feedback, who doesn't? Drop me a line or write a review if you're reading this at ff.net  
  
~ Sweet Misery~  
  
[i]" All in all you see  
  
Everything is history  
  
Think of all that you've been missing"[/i]  
  
- Missing, Sheryl Crow  
  
Part 2: Angel  
  
I didn't know. No, that's not the important part. The important part is I didn't even think about it. Didn't even wonder. Sure, I didn't see her or talk to her for months, years sometimes but I should have  
  
at least wondered.  
  
After she told me about the past few years, I told her what had happened to me. Connor. Darla. Cordelia. All the things that she didn't know and perhaps didn't want to know. God, I didn't want to know about Spike but I needed to. I think we needed to. It suddenly occurred to me that this was the first real conversation we'd had in years. The first time we'd actually talked. I missed that. It just seems wrong that our worlds used to be one and the same but somewhere along the way they changed.  
  
There's a part of me that ached when we talked about Cordelia. There's a part of me that ached when I was with Cordelia too though. It hurts no matter what - I don't know why I figured humanity would be easier than immortality. It's not. If anything it's *harder. Guess things aren't meant to be easy. That would make life boring right?  
  
After we talked, I went back to the house, my house. Cordy wasn't there and if she was I wouldn't have known what to do or say. I suppose she went to stay with Anya or someone. Most of her clothes and belongings were gone when I checked.  
  
I couldn't go back to Buffy's place. It's really not fair and right now, I'm so messed up things would probably go badly. So I booked in at a hotel and I'm sitting on the bed wondering how I got here. How on earth did I get this far?  
  
My mobile rings and I pick it up eager for any kind of distraction from these thoughts.  
  
" Angel? It's me Anya. I'm just checking to make sure you're not suicidal or anything." She says chirpily.  
  
I can't help but smile. " I'm not suicidal."  
  
" Oh. Good. But you wouldn't be, I guess... so how's Buffy?"  
  
" Why do you assume I went to see Buffy?"  
  
" How is she?" Anya says again and I can almost hear her eyes roll through the phone line.  
  
" She's fine" I say cautiously. I never know what Anya's going to say next.  
  
" Fine huh, you had sex?"  
  
I *really* didn't see that coming.  
  
" No!"  
  
" Just wondering. It's a common human response to betrayal. Get drunk. Have sex. Feel guilty. Get even more depressed. I've been there."  
  
" You really have." I say, remembering someone telling me about her and Spike.  
  
Anya doesn't take it personally. " Oh, you mean I slept with Spike and so did Cordy? I guess. He *is* good in bed." She reflects.  
  
" Damn it. I didn't mean to rub it in or depress you further. I'm sorry." She's sincere this time.  
  
" It's okay."  
  
" Good. And if you want moral support well, I wouldn't suggest coming round here 'cause Xander really doesn't like you, I think it's jealousy issues. Plus Cordy's here. She's not so happy herself. But if you want to talk then I'm here and I really know a lot about this stuff. Vengeance and the like." She says brightly.  
  
" There's vengeance now?"  
  
" There could be, if you want?" I hear a little eagerness in her voice.  
  
" No An, I don't want." I tell her quickly.  
  
" Fine. I suppose vengeance is a bad idea but still." She sighs wistfully.  
  
" How's the baby?" I change the subject.  
  
" Live and kicking. Really kicking. Boy, you have to be creative in the bedroom with this pregnancy thing, let me tell you – "  
  
" Maybe another time."  
  
" Okay" She says amiably.  
  
" Are you really okay?" Anya asks me again. She doesn't give me time to answer. " You will be."  
  
I smile.  
  
" I'd better go. Take care"  
  
" You too"  
  
I turn off the phone and look around the hotel room, briefly cheered up but my momentary happiness quickly fades.  
  
I don't recognise any of this. Not the surroundings but this feeling. It's not heartbreak or loneliness because I've been there before, I would recognise that. I don't know what it is but it's new and it's tearing me up.  
  
I close my eyes and fight the urge to phone Buffy. 


	3. Part 3: Dawn

Title: Sweet Misery Part 3/?  
  
Author: Emily  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Category: B/A of course. I think I'm going to make it a little more Dawn/Spike centric too but the focus will remain on B/A. Mention of X/A, W/T, and various other couples, the same as in 'IOSK'.  
  
Spoilers: Some of season six I guess. This is a sequel to 'If Only She Knew' so reading that first would probably help. If Only She Knew is set five years after season six and three of BtVS and AtS. Everyone's all grown up.  
  
Summary: All things take time, Buffy and Angel's relationship being no exception.  
  
Distribution: Fanfiction.net, b/a lists, Wild Horses, Eternal Love if CC wants it.  
  
Dedication: Everyone at SU (http://pub97.ezboard.com/bshippersunite), especially Princess Twilite for making such a kick ass forum, Rach and Lokoa... oh it's too hard to narrow it down to a list - everyone there rocks and I'm feeling the shipper love. Thank you for opening my eyes :)  
  
Feedback: You want more? Feedback me or else ;) Heck I'd keep on writing anyway but feedback would be nice, *g*  
  
AN: I was going to update Summer Rain first but this story cried out to be written and so I wrote the next part. I'm loving Dawn/Spike at the moment (go to shippers united and post in the UC ships forum under Spike/Dawn. If we get a lot of people there'll be a forum. Plus I'll adore you ;) ) hence more of it in this fic. Plus it's a future fic so they can do whatever *I* want and I won't get flamed because Dawn is 20. *g*. Anyway enough of my ramblings.  
  
AN2: I adore writing Dawn and I don't think she got a chapter in 'IOSK' so here goes. I was going to do just Buffy/Angel POV's but some Dawn wouldn't go amiss and maybe Spike too. Cordelia would be fun also, I think the bitch has to be back. I love the bitch :) Also can I just say I'm really enjoying writing this story? Thanks so much for the feedback :)  
  
  
  
~ Sweet Misery~  
  
  
  
" Then you wake up  
  
And tomorrow is today "  
  
– Talk in Tongues, Natalie Imbruglia  
  
  
  
Part 3: Dawn  
  
Geez, I don't visit for a few months and wham, everything changes. I just got in and Michele filled me in on all the details she missed out on the phone last night. Well not *all*, I have a feeling there's something she's not telling me. Cordelia cheated on Angel with some guy, voila instant break up...oh I bet this has caused yet more complications in the lives of Buffy and Angel.  
  
I should really go visit my sister. Not tomorrow or later but *now*.  
  
" 'Chele? I'll be back soon, have to go see Buffy."  
  
" Dawn you just got here" She protests.  
  
" Yeah but you know how it is, sister stuff." I shrug and smile. " See you later girl"  
  
I close the door behind me and head towards my car, jamming a CD into the player and running a hand through my hair before I turn the key.  
  
Ten or fifteen minutes pass, I hate the traffic in LA, and finally I get out of it and pull up outside Buffy's apartment.  
  
Why does she have to live several floors up? I take the elevator and knock on quickly on her door.  
  
A few seconds go by, I hear padding footsteps across the floor and glance at my watch, it's only well midnight. But Slayers stay up late. Hence Michele being the only person awake when I got into town. And vampires, like Spike but no he wasn't even here to greet me. Grrr.  
  
Finally she reaches the door, peering through the crack before her face breaks into a smile and she opens it fully.  
  
" Dawnie!" Buffy exclaims hugging me.  
  
" Who were you expecting?" I ask. " And what's with the nervous old lady thing?"  
  
Buffy rolls her eyes. " Same old Dawn. Pity"  
  
I narrow my eyes in her direction but start to laugh.  
  
Buffy grins.  
  
" Seriously it's great to see you. And seriously who were you expecting?" I say still smiling.  
  
She shrugs. " I don't know.  
  
" *Oh*. Angel"  
  
" Why does everyone have the impression my whole life revolves around Angel?" She demands.  
  
" Beats me. So I heard all about the break up and the affair and woah, it's worse than one of those soaps Cordy's always auditioning for."  
  
" Dawn she's in *movies* now." Buffy says sarcastically. I smile.  
  
" But yeah pretty sordid, especially with *Spike*." She continues.  
  
I frown. " Spike? What's Spike got to do with it?"  
  
" Well nothing apart from sleeping with Cordy."  
  
"*Spike* slept with Cordy?" I demand.  
  
" You didn't know?"  
  
" Michele just told me it was some guy." Bastard. Bastard. Bastard. He slept with Cordelia? And there was me thinking he might have actually missed me. Wishful thinking huh, I think bitterly. And angrily. I'm going to *kill* him.  
  
" Oh, I'm sorry Dawnie. I know you guys have some weird thing going." Buffy says.  
  
" Yeah well your relationships are the definition of 'weird thing' but you don't see me complaining." I tell her bitchily.  
  
" Miaow!" Buffy exclaims.  
  
I sigh. "Sorry but...I can't believe he slept with Cordelia. I mean is that the kind of thing you would expect... someone to do? And you suck at apologising." I add.  
  
" I kinda do, huh? You want me to beat him up or something" She suggests sympathetically.  
  
" Nah. I'll deal with it." I say dejectedly and slump down on her sofa.  
  
" C'mon, tell me all about your tangled love life. It can't be any worse than mine." I say.  
  
" Wanna bet? Well after Angel found out about Cordelia he comes around here all miserable with imploring puppy dog eyes, you know those eyes?"  
  
" Oh yeah." I say emphatically.  
  
" Dawn! Don't lust after Angel." Buffy tells me automatically. " Oh God, I'm doing that obsessive possessive thing about my ex again. I have to stop." She moans.  
  
" Well it's not like any other stunningly handsome vampires over a century old... with great hair and *cheekbones* - I know everyone has cheekbones, but man these cheekbones, y'know? - and leather dusters are available. They've all slept with *Cordelia*." I say grumpily.  
  
Buffy grins. " I'm sure it was just a sex thing."  
  
" And that makes me feel so much better. Okay get back to the story, I'll shut up about Spike." Bastard.  
  
" Well he comes over here and I can't help but let him in. And we talked some and...and he was all shattered and with the puppy dog eyes plus *Angel* and I let him stay here." Her voice trails off near the end.  
  
" What on the sofa?"  
  
" No in my bed." She mutters.  
  
" In your bed, as in just him in your bed or both of you?" Oh I'm curious now.  
  
" The latter. But we really didn't do anything. Just slept."  
  
" And now you don't know how he feels about you or what the sitch is between you and wonder if he's still in love with Cordy and are pissed he came to you because he married her?" I ask.  
  
Buffy smiles. " That's pretty much it." And she loves him, I thought silently.  
  
" I can't believe he slept with Cordelia" I mumble.  
  
She pats me on the shoulder. " It'll be okay."  
  
" Yes because life always turns out okay. Can I call 'Chele on your phone? I feel the need to yell at her."  
  
" Sure bitch all you want."  
  
" I'm not going to bitch" Save that for Spike. " Just be angry"  
  
" She was probably just trying to save you from the truth. Is that so bad? " Buffy asks and I remember when I used to do that. Being fifteen was simple. Key issues, stealing issues and 'nobody cares' issues aside. No wait, being fifteen was hell.  
  
The truth hurts? Oh yeah.  
  
" I guess not." I admit.  
  
"Am I allowed to go back to bed?" Buffy asks. "I need some sleep this year."  
  
" Yeah go ahead, you do need some."  
  
Buffy smacks my arm on her way to bed.  
  
" Oww! Hey, remember that little thing called Slayer strength?" I call out at her as she goes into her bedroom.  
  
Buffy smiles half heartedly. Sometimes I want to kill Angel too. Is he blind or something? I've been here two minutes and I can see he's breaking her heart again.  
  
*Men*. No, it's always vampires with us. Life would be so much simpler without them. 


	4. Part 4: Cordelia

Title: Sweet Misery 4/?  
  
Author: Emily  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Category: B/A of course. I think I'm going to make it a little more Dawn/Spike centric too but the focus will remain on B/A. Mention of X/A, W/T, and various other couples, the same as in 'IOSK'.  
  
Spoilers: Some of season six I guess. This is a sequel to 'If Only She Knew' so reading that first would probably help. If Only She Knew is set five years after season six and three of BtVS and AtS. Everyone's all grown up and hey what do ya know, grown up Dawn isn't bratty.  
  
Summary: All things take time, Buffy and Angel's relationship being no exception.  
  
Distribution: Fanfiction.net, b/a lists, Wild Horses, CC's fic site.  
  
Dedication: Everyone who's feedbacked me on this story, thank you!  
  
Feedback: *begs and smiles brightly*  
  
~ Sweet Misery ~  
  
i"Love and other moments are just chemical reactions in your brain And feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in your veins" i  
  
- Gunning Down Romance, Savage Garden  
  
Part 4: Cordelia  
  
" Ah! The ritual burning of photographs and belongings?" Anya asks brightly as she sees me thumbing through photographs.  
  
I look up and smile. " Not quite. I was just looking at them."  
  
All these *stupid* pictures of me and Angel. On a skiing holiday to Switzerland, at our beach house in Malibu, at a hundred parties and gatherings. None of them at home or any of them meaningful. I look at them and I don't feel anything except regret that they don't mean anything anymore.  
  
" What are you looking for?" She asks, kneeling onto the floor beside me.  
  
" Can you tell?" I ask and hold up a photo. I'm smiling the dazzling Queen C smile and wearing a red dress that I remember skimmed across my skin and cooled me in the hot summer air. Angel has his arm around me and is wearing an Armani suit, the first couple of shirt buttons undone.  
  
" Tell what?" Anya frowns, breaking my chain of thought.  
  
I shrug helplessly. " That in a couple of years we'd be broken up? Does it look like something's wrong?"  
  
Anya peers at the picture a little and she shakes her head.  
  
" I guess you can't." I scoop the pictures up in my arms and put them back into their box. Maybe one day they'll matter, maybe I'll look at them and smile instead of thinking how unbelievably shallow we were. That's Los Angeles for you, right?  
  
" Me and Xander are going out to dinner. You can come if you want" She offers.  
  
" Nah" I shake my head. " I think I'll go out." I say decidedly.  
  
" You sure? Shouldn't you be - "  
  
" Sitting here moping and getting fat on ice cream? Nope. You guys go out, have fun."  
  
" Okay" Anya says and pats me on the shoulder before leaving. Xander calls bye and the door closes.  
  
I go to their bathroom and empty out my cosmetics bag on the floor. I carefully select a lipstick - Autumn Rose whatever that means and start applying it. At least this is one thing I can do, heck I spent all of High School perfecting the skill of making myself look beautiful. Well helping fight demons too - oh and cheerleading but I'd say a good part of High School was spent doing my makeup. Especially in Math class. Me and Harmony would sit at the back and bitch over people whilst applying makeup. This was before she became a vampire, before I became a seer, before all this crap.  
  
I was just Cordy, no I was Queen C and it was damn good. Sure I was a bitch and sure I was mean and now I feel bad about the way I acted but like I said, it was *damn* good.  
  
I run a brush through my hair and it falls around my face. It's long and brown again, like in High School and I think I like it this way.  
  
Ugh, I slip out of a vest top and joggers. I'm not being moping girl anymore. Sitting around looking at old photographs? Please, that's something *Buffy* would do. Not me, not Cordelia.  
  
I choose a dark purple dress from my suitcase. The silk's a little creased but I know I'll look good in it whatever. It has thin straps and a neckline that dips low front and back. It's short, several inches above my knees and my new D&G sandals will go perfectly.  
  
I grab a handbag and head out the door, remembering to lock it with the key Anya gave me.  
  
I turn on the radio of my car and flick stations for a couple of seconds.  
  
" I ain't taking shit off no-one Baby that was yesterday"  
  
Suitably fitting, I think and turn up the volume. Someone from a nearby house yells something but I don't care. Something like shut the hell up I guess. I ignore it. This is Los Angeles, goddamn it, what do you expect? That's the thing about this city. Expect everything. Expect nothing. LA will surprise you either way. Love it or hate it, it doesn't matter. LA's always the same and always different.  
  
I'm briefly reminded of a time years ago, after the break up with Xander when I pulled up in front of Sunnydale High dressed to kill, determined to forget him and oh it looked like I did but my heart broke a little every time I passed him in the corridors.  
  
But this is different, I suddenly don't care. Really, genuinely. Not about Angel or any of this. He can go to Buffy and they can have their angst and drama and precious eternal love but I don't care. I'm movin' on, something they don't seem to be able to do.  
  
I drive and drive till I reach a club. As I reach the bar a blond guy offers to buy me a drink. He's kinda timid looking, fits my mental picture of that ex of Buffy's, Riley? Something like that. I size him up and reject him. " Sorry honey, you're not my type"  
  
He'll get over it. I'm sure there are plenty of girls who wouldn't mind a drink from a cute guy like that. Maybe there'd have fun leading him around on a leash and having him bend over backwards for them too. But me, I'm not one of them. He leaves and I accept a margherita from a tall dark skinned guy who kinda reminds me of Gunn. Y'know what? The bitch is back. Really truly and it's damn good. 


	5. Part 5: Spike

Title: Sweet Misery Part 5/?  
  
Author: Emily  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Category: B/A of course, I love them. Dawn/Spike. Mention of X/A, W/T, and various other couples, the same as in 'IOSK'.  
  
Spoilers: Some of season six I guess. This is a sequel to 'If Only She Knew' so reading that first would probably help. If Only She Knew is set five years after season six and three of BtVS and AtS. And yet they're still not happy. I'm planning on rectifying that though.  
  
Summary: All things take time, Buffy and Angel's relationship being no exception.  
  
Distribution: Fanfiction.net, b/a lists, Wild Horses, CC's fanfic site if she wants it.  
  
Dedication: The people who reviewed at fanfiction.net. Was reading through the reviews the other day and felt mucho guilt on not updating. Well here's the next chapter, hope you enjoy. Please feedback!  
  
Feedback: Please yes. I haven't updated this story for ages and feel ashamed. If you guys still like it and want more, let me know. Feedback would be heaven :) pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk  
  
AN: Sorry for the delay in writing a new chapter. It's been at least a month and that's just...wrong. Had computer issues plus, shame on me, I put this fic aside to write other ones. Right now though I'm desperately in need of some joy for B/A so I'm going to get back to this fic.  
  
AN2: Going a little off track here with the Dawn/Spike but I'll return to the B/A soon. I just love Dawn/Spike and wanted to finish off their story somewhat. I may need more than eight parts to finish the B/A now, no big though.  
  
Sweet Misery  
  
" Isn't that strange? All these things I thought would never change" - Belong, Remy Zero  
  
Part 5: Spike  
  
Michele wouldn't have told her. Cordelia, no. She can't possibly know. Still feel guilty though - as though Dawn will somehow *know* without being told. Vampires not having souls, not having feelings? That's bullshit. We don't have souls technically but non technically, I don't know what you'd call it other than a soul. I've felt more - even hurt more - as a vampire than I did when I was human. Maybe I'm getting old or have spent too much time around humans or something.  
  
I'm bloody domesticated now, all because of this chip. That's another thing I have strange guilt about - it seems to have worn out now. Happened a few days ago and there was me, almost used to it. Some bugger tried to mug me, naturally I took a swing at him and there was no head pain. Not at all. I morphed into vamp face and that was enough to scare him off. I didn't try to bite him, I looked at him and I walked out into the street and saw all these people. Walking bloody happy meals. The thought crossed my mind that I could drink - finally - and I didn't...I felt guilty thinking about it. What the hell would Dawn think of me if I did?  
  
Guess it's back to blood from the butchers for me. I head up the stairs to Buffy's flat. I've already been round to Michele's and apparently Dawn is over here. It's two in the morning but I'm sure she won't mind.  
  
Hell. Angel's making his way to their door too. I'd imagine Peaches has quite a few issues with me considering the Buffy thing, and let's not forget Cordelia. But he's human now and I'm chipless. Can't beat the crap out of me. Not that he ever could have before.  
  
" Angel" I say casually and nod in his direction. He doesn't dignify me with an answer, which I suppose can be expected.  
  
The door swings open. Dawn and she looks angry. She's clad only in a white towel, her hair hanging wet down her back from the shower and would normally look beautiful, she does but now somehow she manages to add angry to the mix.  
  
" Hey Angel." She says, looking at him. " Buffy's in there. Talk to her but if you screw with her emotions one more time I will kill you." Dawn smiles sweetly at him and then looks at me.  
  
She knows. I don't know how but - *she knows.*  
  
" Spike, get the hell out there." She says, pushing Angel into the apartment and slamming the door.  
  
" Dawn, it didn't mean anything." That guilt I was feeling before? It's nothing compared to this.  
  
"Oh well that's all okay then." Dawn snaps at me. " How could you do that? And with Cordelia? Was I not good enough for you?" She demands and falters for a moment, her eyes directly meeting mine.  
  
" Don't be ridiculous, Nibblet, she was upset over Angel and I was just - "  
  
" There? It's kinda funny how you always happen to be there when people are 'upset'. I'm upset, Spike. You going to screw me?"  
  
" Dawn!"  
  
She sighs and leans against the wall outside the apartment.  
  
" I'm sorry" I say. I mean it, mean it more than anything.  
  
" Yeah well me too" She looks at me and I know she's not talking about what she said tonight. I look down.  
  
" Dawn it didn't mean anything" I repeat.  
  
" But you did it." She says softly.  
  
" I know. Do you want me to go?" Dawn shrugs helplessly and pushes a couple stray locks of hair off her shoulder.  
  
" I love you." I say it suddenly, not thinking about what I'm saying. I'm compelled to and I've never said it before, never even thought it before. I don't think I realised it before. I didn't know. Now I suddenly do. I suddenly know.  
  
She looks up, as surprised as I am. " D'you mean that?"  
  
" Yes " I say - I'm certain too.  
  
" What about Cordelia? "  
  
" What about her?" I sigh because I can't shrug this off with a flip remark. " I know what about her. Can you try and forget?"  
  
"No. But I could maybe forgive you." Dawn says seriously. Then her lips start to form a smile.  
  
" It's going to take a lot of grovelling." She continues. " And presents and...other things"  
  
I smile. Dawn lifts her head up to meet mine and her warm lips press against mine. I slide my arm around her waist, lifting her a little against the wall till her head is level with mine and I kiss her.  
  
" That'll do to start with." She breathes, briefly breaking the kiss. Dawn smiles and I kiss her again, my hand tangling in her hair. Vampires not having feelings, it's bullshit. I've never felt more. Blood, the killing, all the things that used to make up my existence, they're not important. The chip in my head, it doesn't matter whether it's there or not. This - now. This is what's important. 


	6. Part 6: Buffy

Title: Sweet Misery Part 6/?  
  
Author: Emily  
  
Rating: PG 13. Maybe a mild R in this part.  
  
Category: B/A of course, I love them. Dawn/Spike. Mention of X/A, W/T, and various other couples, the same as in 'IOSK'.  
  
Spoilers: Some of season six I guess. This is a sequel to 'If Only She Knew' so reading that first would probably help. If Only She Knew is set five years after season six and three of BtVS and AtS.  
  
Summary: All things take time, Buffy and Angel's relationship being no exception.  
  
Distribution: Fanfiction.net, b/a lists, anyone I've missed out who has the other parts etc. If you want to archive you have to take If Only She Knew and the rest of this story too, email and let me know where it's going up.  
  
Disclaimer: "I'm not going to give you what you want, I'm going to give you what you *need*". Nope that's not me, and no I *really* didn't need to see B/S and C/A. Hell I'm willing to give you what you *want* :) And need...I need B/A. *sigh* If only Joss saw things that way.  
  
Feedback: You have to ask? It's not beneath me to beg ;) pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk  
  
AN: I was listening to Jewel, and getting all teary and I needed some B/A sweetness. Yeah I may just go back to the angst next part lol, but here's some fluff :) Feedback would rock!  
  
Sweet Misery  
  
" Don't move, don't breathe, don't change, don't leave Promise me, say you'll stay, oh we'll stay this way" - This Way, Jewel  
  
Part 6: Buffy  
  
" Angel it's the middle of the night" I say frowning and rub my eyes. Of all the stupid excuses and reasons why not, I say it's the middle of the night? We're always awake now. Always. Even though he's human now and I'm not really the Slayer anymore it's still that way. I fleetingly wonder what my hair's like, feeling that self conscious rush of feeling that I always felt on those strange attempts at 'dates' we had.  
  
" I didn't wake you up?" He asks.  
  
" No, I was just up because of Dawnie coming home". I wish Dawn was here now. I don't trust myself alone with Angel. When he's around I seem to lose control of my words and emotions. The lights dim everywhere else. Still. Isn't that strange? Here I am, 26 years old, wigging out over Angel again and not in control of my heart. Exact same way I was ten freaking years ago. The lights still dim, and my heart still beats faster when I'm with him. Guess that means I love him, I think helplessly. Oh I'm helpless right here and now. Because I love him - and if he kissed me then I wouldn't stop him. I could fall so easily with one word, one touch from him.  
  
" I miss you" Angel says.  
  
Falling can't be a bad thing, I think blurrily. Everything is kinda blurry here with him as these words trip off his lips.  
  
" You miss me?" I ask softly. " Angel we went years without speaking much or seeing each other. And now, now we are talking and you miss me?"  
  
" I always missed you." Angel says. " It's more now." He looks at me with honest eyes.  
  
" Do you want to come in?" I ask.  
  
" Thanks" He says and we go in. Sit on the sofa. I'm not going to fall without putting up some kind of fight and sitting on the bed with him again would definitely make me fall.  
  
" Where are you staying?" It's just a question. Something to keep me from staring at him. Changes the subject from I miss you too.  
  
" Hotel." Angel says with a shrug.  
  
" Oh." I say and then I ask the question that I guess I should have asked first of all. " Are you okay?"  
  
I look at him this time. I think I manage to make it not a stare.  
  
Angel shrugs again and smiles a slight smile. " I guess I will be. That's what happens with these things right? You divide up the house and belongings, move on."  
  
" I wouldn't know."  
  
He looks at me. I didn't mean to sound sad. I didn't mean to *be* sad. It wasn't in my plans for life. They included marrying Angel when he became human and living happily ever after. Not sitting here sad beside him not knowing what to say and wishing that he loved me. Y'know, that Cordelia was some mistake and he loved me all along. I want to cry.  
  
Angel's hand reaches up and strokes underneath my eye. I didn't know I had actually cried but sure enough a tear falls gently down my face and then he strokes it away. I close my eyes, trying to hold back the tears. They keep on falling. Angel brushes them away so gently. His other hand strokes my cheek and I open my eyes and look at him. Angel doesn't pull away from me, his hand strokes further down my cheek and his eyes meet mine. Open and honest again - and raw.  
  
" Buffy..." He starts to say. " I feel like I should hurt more...I married her, I was with her for years and it doesn't hurt as much as - " He stops.  
  
" As what?" I ask lightly. This is anything but light but my voice somehow manages not to break.  
  
" That time I said goodbye to you. When I gave you the claddagh ring. It doesn't hurt like that. Not like when I left after your graduation or breaking up with you or when I danced with you or... Shouldn't it hurt?" He asks, almost like a child, his voice a whisper.  
  
I nod a little, helpless again. " I think it's supposed to hurt." I say weakly as his hand traces my cheek.  
  
Angel nods and I'm lost.  
  
I fall apart whenever he's around. I just fall. I have the feeling that if I don't somehow do something to stop myself now then I'll fall forever. Forever. It used to mean so much to me and then all of a sudden it was meaningless. Just a word for something that could never happen. Yet now, I can almost grasp the forever that slipped away from us. It's as though it's still there, just waiting.  
  
And that's why I kiss him.  
  
I'm not thinking too clearly only that this is Angel and goddamn it, goddamn me but I *love* him. And he might just love me. It didn't hurt with Cordelia, not like us. It wasn't like us. That's all and now I'm falling again and it's even better than I remember. Oh I don't think I've ever fallen this far before. My lips are soft and hesitant against his - like I've forgotten how to kiss but then Angel's gently pressing his lips against mine and teasing my mouth open. Not that I need much teasing. I kiss him for all the kisses we should have had and didn't.  
  
He tastes as good as he used to. That oh so familiar taste of heartache is there on his lips too though. It's always been there from that first kiss when I was young and naive and couldn't feel the pain, from then till now, whatever this is. I ignore it though. I ignore the chill that comes over me when I think of him and Cordelia this way. His hand slips around my neck, touching my hair and the chill fades. It fades till it's just me and him. Lost in this kiss. Cordelia's not there, nor Spike nor Riley not anyone else.  
  
It's all gentle, this press of lips and desperate touches. He says my name as he kisses me, other things too. He might have said 'I love you' but I'm so lost that I don't know if I say it back or just moan in his arms. That haven that's his arms and body is all around me. Somehow we undress each other, everything blurry and clear, and I'm saying his name again and again. Angel, oh Angel. I'm not clear on when he slides inside of me and when my hips lift against his but my eyes are closed and everything is clear there. Darkness, kisses, starlight, a dance, sweet tears, warm strong arms, yes heartache, blood too but it's all so clear and deliciously warm and consuming. I feel forever and I just fall.  
  
* * *  
  
tbc...  
  
feedback? :) pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk 


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